Will and Guy's short, funny, Christmas stories. Late home after a night out, a youngster attempted to climb into his home down the chimney. What happened next? The Meaning Behind The 12 Days Of Christmas Song. Special For This Season. A Soldiers Night Before Christmas The Dime. The Night Before Christmas (For Moms) A Time Comes In Your Life. The Night Before Christmas (Technical Version) A Microsoft Christmas The Day After Christmas.

First Condom “I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

‘Do these excite you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown.

‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.” o O o New York Bar Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill. Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid.

Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.” Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?” Bill: “No, but my sister has. Symptoms Of Asthma Attack In Adults on this page. ” o O o A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.” o O o “My teenage daughter came home in a rage. ‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’ I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ” o O o An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”. The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”. The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one!

The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?” o O o A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” “Yes, you see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?” The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.” “A Christmas tree?” “Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.” o O o Here is a really good one, by ‘Imsofunny’, comment #130: The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.

“Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!” “No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow” “No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. “Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?” “It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache.

All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Stephen February 19, 2013 at 9:03 am. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.” Dave looked at Mr.

Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.” The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem.

You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?” Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.” Stephen February 19, 2013 at 9:10 am. A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”. The other guy says, “I knew that!

I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!” Stephen February 25, 2013 at 6:20 pm. My joke if I can recall few years ago. Once there was a husband named Harder living with his wife in a bungalow house. The door of the house has 2 holes.

One day they got bankrupt. The wife was carrying tons of boxes. When she was approaching the door, she slipped and her breasts got stuck in both holes of door. A mail man arrived and wonder what’s that and thought it’s a doorbell and squeezed it. The wife screams and call for her husband, “Harder!” So the mail man squeezed her breasts even harder while the wife keeps calling her husband.

Popoola kayode March 25, 2013 at 8:20 am. Five Laughs: No1 A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife’s nipples while she was asleep. The next day, their driver died of poisoning. ******** No2 A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked Dad why?

He answered, so that when I am dead, no one will chase your mum. ******** No3 A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband.

Maid said sir you are my witness you know I never wear panties. ******** No4 Couple is having a quickie and their 6 year old catches them, Son: “What are you doing?” Father: “I’m putting petrol on your Mom.” Son: “Haauu – Haauu!

Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr Zwane has put in yesterday.” Mother fainted! ******** No5 A man went to the pub with his wife. When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife & whispered: “You must demand cash before sex, I know him he doesn’t pay. Carizma Monkey April 1, 2013 at 2:29 pm.

Funny Christmas Jokes and Stories (Part Three) Posted by on Aug 31, 2015 in, Welcome to page three of funny Christmas jokes and funny Christmas stories. Find even more funny Christmas stuff on these pages: • • • Funny Christmas Jokes & Stories for You Blackmail – Funny Christmas Story It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. She told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.

Sam went to his room and wrote, ‘Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.’ But he wasn’t very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote:’Dear Jesus, I’m a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.’ He read it back and wasn’t happy with that one either. He tried a third version: ‘Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.’ He read that one too, but he still wasn’t satisfied. So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach.

After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter.

Meeting Planner Careers there. ‘Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you’d better send me a new bike.’ Christmas Shepherd – Funny Christmas Jokes One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

‘Look at that, ‘remarked Peter to Joe, ‘That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!’ Christmas Spirit – Funny Christmas Jokes It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, ‘What are you charged with?’ The prisoner replied, ‘Doing my Christmas shopping too early.’ ‘That’s no crime’, said the magistrate. ‘Just how early were you doing this shopping?’ ‘Before the shop opened’, answered the prisoner. Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist! Denominations – Funny Christmas Jokes Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

“What denomination?” asked the clerk. Good heavens! Have we come to this?” said Maria. “Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please.” A Sign of the Times As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?” The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?” Short Q&A-Style Funny Christmas Jokes Q:Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters? A:They both drop their needles!

Q:Where do elves go to vote? A:The North Poll. Q:Why do all the other reindeer have brown noses? A:Because they cant stop as quickly as Rudolph! Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer “Olive”?Olive? A:Because”Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names!” Q:What’s red and white and falls down the chimney? A:Santa Klutz!

Q:What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Q:Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden? A:Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe! Q:Why is Christmas just like another day at the office? A:You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.